The Pelican Paints a Self-Portrait after "Bird Effort" by Jackson Pollock See, I got the idea from an elephant named Annabelle. There she was in her paddock, brush held in her trunk, slopping primary colors onto some paper pinned by her keeper to an easel. Just blobs of color, some lines -- nothing you could make out. They sell for millions, these paintings, I'm pretty sure, and I wanted in on that racket. How hard could it be? Hard, lemme tell you. How to get the swag when you don't have a keeper. How to hold a brush when you don't have a trunk. And I didn't want just smeary swirls, "abstract" they call it -- I wanted to paint something real. Then I thought Hey! I'm a handsome guy. What about me? You might not believe I'm self-taught once you see what I finally came up with. Turns out my beak works (in a pinch) for a brush. For the rest -- whatever the marina dumpster coughs up. Slabs of cardboard, chunks of charcoal, cans half full of paint. My first tries were total garbage -- pitched 'em right back into the dumpster. But practice makes perfect and I'm pretty sure this time I nailed it. It's all there: my webbed feet. My gorgeous beak. The setting sun. White sails on a blue sea. Kelp waving below the water's surface, an eel peeking out from a crevice. The catch of the day, scooped up in my glorious pouch, flung into the air for the fun of it. My headfirst dive, that leap of faith, wings thrown back so my bones don't crack. Dang if it isn't a masterpiece!